cumming after the funeral

there is a woman in my department at work who lost her father last week. he died peacefully in his sleep when a blood clot silently passed into his lungs and remained there. it was a complete surprise to my friend, Stacy, and her entire family came together for a week she will never forget. the gathering of friends and family for the funeral was a comedy of errors fit for a movie. it had all the elements of tragedy, drama and hilarity you would expect to only see in a film but never live yourself and after it was all said and done Julia returned to work exhausted.

Stacy made quite an appearance on her first morning back. I was giving notes to my assistant when she slowly peeked around the door still wearing her sunglasses. we tried to be warm unsure of how fragile she might be so close to losing her father and without saying a word she shyly lowered her glasses revealing a big shining black eye. when I said, "Oh my god!" in shock her hand started to shake and she teared up unable to keep herself together. I jumped up to hug her before she could barely make out that she had been unloading the dishwasher and hit her eye on the cabinet door her kids had left open.

among all the follies of stories she retold of her week including her brother entering drug rehab, her kids getting sick, her fights with her sister, and her husband forgetting a necktie -- Stacy's topper was her souvenir shiner. not only did she have a black eye but she had a bandage over the bridge of her nose as if she had gone through plastic surgery. she had gone to sleep and when she woke up her eye was swollen shut and crusted with dried blood. (gross I know, sorry. but it was such an insane detail I had to include it.)

even when she had to visit the ER in the hospital the nurses were required to ask her if her injury was from domestic abuse. I was wondering the same thing myself, but I didn't push the issue even though everyone was thinking it. Stacy had more horrors to face the next day at the Fourth of July parade. she spent the morning at her kids' school with her sunglasses on but unable to keep her embarrassing bruise out of sight and had to explain herself repeatedly to all the other neighborhood moms.

when we got back from our Fourth of July weekend Stacy's eye looked a lot better but it still had a lot of healing to do. she still looked as if she had just finished the night shift at the circus. we were talking in the hall when she gave up the goods to my assistant and me. in another surprise she divulged the real source of her black eye.

"I hit the headboard," she said.
















































silence. Dylan and I exchanged looks from the corners of our eyes. what? you mean? but we didn't say anything only blinking our eyes in wide understanding. wow.

TMI? maybe, but really it suddenly turned me on and I looked at her with fascination. Stacy had just openly expressed her sex life to us when we had always remained one hundred percent professional. suddenly I pictured her atop her husband riding him in ecstacy. Stacy riding him fast and deep trying to let go of the stress her father's death had brought on. her long black hair covering her face, her bare back rising above the bedsheets, and she growing to a climax. then POW, the oak headboard slams into her face.

all at once the situation must have changed and I wonder how tightly she might have squeezed her pussy on her husband's cock when she hit. suddenly her sweaty brow mixed with her blood. I wonder if she was suddenly bleeding, cumming and crying all at the same time.

I wonder if you can actually experience such a thing, three over-riding sensations at once: pain, hurt and orgasm. so I asked Stacy outright if it had come to that. "not exactly," was all she could reply and then she cracked up with a big healthy laugh. she laughed so hard she cried again so she reached for a kleenex and wiped her tear-stained, bruised, black eye.

black bush anyone?

who wouldn't like a little Black Bush right now?
or maybe something even blacker?

I think chicks dig biker dudes

most of the time when I ride my bike I carry a little digital camera. it comes in handy for snapping shots of amusing on-bike moments, overturned cars and roadkill. don't worry I don't snap roadkill but you never know when you'll find something interesting. no more tour de france jerseys, cameras are the newest and most fashionable accessory in cycling.

the other day I was spinning around town when this car whizzed by me at mach 10. it came really close and it almost hit me. I was so pissed, why don't cars share the road? it happens everywhere and no matter what city officials do to lend the little guy a bone cars will never respect bikes or commuters who ride bikes instead of killing the planet by the mile.

this was one of those rare times when I actually caught up to the car that had passed me so closely when it was stopped by a red light. as I approached the next red light I was ready to throw my waterbottle threw their f*cking windshield and was really meaning to do it so I sprinted ahead and got ready to unleash some hell on this shithead.

just as I was lining up the car with my best fastball I noticed the car's windows were down and long brown hair wearing big sunglasses were in the driver's seat. it was a f*cking woman driver which made even more sense. the light was still red so I thought I'd have time to throw in a few mean words along with my bottle throw and then I even thought it would be better to actually spray the driver through her open window instead.

but then she took off her sunnies and at once I noticed this chick was one hot babe. the light was still red so I changed my mind again, I put my bottle back in its cage and pulled out my camera. my angle was perfect for some peeping tom shots of her and she would never see me. she checked herself in her rear-view mirror and teased her hair. the jackpot was the blouse she was wearing. smoking hot boobs were bulging from her shirt and I could almost see her nipples. she was amazing. I wanted to touch her, to say something. I couldn't get enough and was lucky to grab a few pics of her cleavage.

I almost said something to her before the light turned green, but when it changed she sped off leaving me sitting by myself in the wake of her dust. I went on with my ride, it was a short one because I was taking it easy trying to cool down after a hard race I had done the day before. I tooled through some neighborhoods then headed back the way I came. riding along the same street I had gone down I saw her car again. this time it was parked and she was doing a little window shopping.

now I was a total voyeur. the temptation to grab a few more snapshots really was setting in so I rode slowly around the block and grabbed a photo or two. my camera doesn't have much of a zoom, but I think the ones I got of her did the trick - I was so nervous and turned-on it was hard to hold the camera steady.


taking shots on the street of woman can be hard. its best to just go up and ask them. gary winnogrand did it best. he even published a famous hardcover coffee-table photo book about it. he even titled it, "Women." that mother f*cker was bad ass. king of the street pin-up.

I didn't have the balls to ask this chick for a little candid camera, instead I tried my best hidden camera while still riding slow on the bike. one drive by lead to another, then another until I was afraid she couldn't help but notice me and I think she started to get suspicious. on my fourth pass I took a pic and I'm sure she saw me in the reflection of a store window.

dammit! I was busted because she totally spun around and looked straight into my sunglasses. I panicked and almost started to sprint away. as I started to power away I realized that when she had turned her face wasn't one of anger but it actually looked like she had smiled a little.

so I doubled back and coyly rolled by on the opposite side of the street. I tried to keep it cool but I also was looking over my shoulder at her. instead of scowling at me it looked like she was trying to pose for me. what was she thinking? was she digging her new found stalker? I pedaled up close onto the sidewalk and she gave me the perfect model pose without a care.

now I was in business. things had just gotten interesting so I doubled back again to talk to her. just as I was rolling up a door opened and a guy walked out. he walked right up to her and took her by the hand. she stood up on her tip-toes and gave him a deep kiss right on the lips. then they turned and walked away to her car. he took the keys and she got in the passenger seat. I stopped, completely devastated - absolutely cock blocked by her boyfriend. I guess its a good thing because the battery was running low and that would have been a bummer.

the dude started her car and gave it a serious rev that sucker punched me in the balls. son of a bitch. then at that instant her hair blew out the window again and she stuck her head out and looked at me. it was a super flirty look like she was sorry that our photo shoot had suddenly been canceled. but her look was also enough to give me a boner right in my biker shorts. then he hit the gas and peeled away from the curb. it sucks because she didn't have a license plate. but never did I feel so sexy wearing lycra.

summer skin movies

don't ask me how or why but over the Fourth of July holiday weekend I managed to see three movies in three days. normally I'm out and about in the sand and sun during the summer but I made my way to three screenings, and they weren't even your typical summer blockbusters -- but it is worth mentioning them all here especially if you are looking for some skin at your local theater.

the first was GARDEN PARTY. I have heard about this movie for awhile from it being pushed heavily on the radio here in LA. and from watching the trailer and reading a little bit about it on the Internet you might expect this to be the next coming of David Lynch's Mulholland
Drive. the plot follows a small group of confused young adults struggling to make it big in Hollywood. one is named April who can't go home again and manages to turn to the porn industry to make ends meet. after answering an ad in a Los Angeles paper she shows up to the studio of a photographer who snaps a few shots of her and publishes them on his Internet web site. while this has the makings of a great erotic thrill-ride, Garden Party leaves you speechless because it is such a bad movie. it has girl-on-girl action and a few sexually charged moments but it tries too hard to be a provocative art film and I wouldn't bother seeing it if I were you. I would rather suggest this Garden Party instead.

the second movie I caught was 8 MILES HIGH. wild film and a little more mainstream. this flick follows the life of 60's-70's German Supermodel Uschi Obermeier, as she travels the world in a hippie Mercedes Benz bus falling in love with rock stars and the spotlight. being based on a true story its nice to learn about one of Europe's lesser known sex symbols that I had never even heard of. great movie, worth a look but don't expect any Oscars at the end of the day. lots of skin and fun with the lead actress Natalie Avelon, she makes love to the camera and really pops off the screen. wicked.


but my favorite film of the weekend was THE LAST MISTRESS, spelled Une vieille maîtresse in French. this is
a true indie flick so it is way too long but if you are looking to score some intellect points with your date keep this one in mind. another warning though, it's entirely in French so you have to keep up with the subtitles. but what makes this film my pick of the skin week is the amount of boobs on screen. lots of tits, lots of sex and it happens throughout the movie -- even as one couple is cremating their poor daughter in the middle of Algeria after she was stung by a scorpion. (yeah, like I said this is an art flick.) but you gotta love the knockers actress Asia Argento was blessed with. they are rock hard but fully natural, you want to reach out and grab a hold because they look tasty. even if you pull this one down off Netflix take a look just for the boobs and the blood licking scene.

that's my take, but I'm not going to close without giving you one last look at Asia Argento. and if you'd like a nice catalog of lesbian scenes in pictures check out the hogrock cafe collection but for the real shit check out The Flesh Circus.

My Jaded Pornstar Power Rankings

Here's my list of top pornstar babes I want to fuck.

I'm only basing my criteria on my libido this week. Nothing else, not by looks, performance, genre or what other people are saying, just who I want to fuck.

Kind of random I know, but I want to make it clear that these ratings can change at any moment, when they do I'll make a new list.

This moment's JADED LIFE top rated pornstars are...

3. Hunter Bryce
2. Bree Olson
1. Brandi Edwards

what a pair!

The other day on a morning radio talk show, KROQ's Kevin and Bean to be exact, I caught a discussion about my free implants dot com. It's pretty good internet fun. Instead of porn stars, real life women looking to get their breasts done can go to the site and look for sponsors to help them pay for a boob job.

It's part My Space, part Match dot com. When you become a benefactor you get a membership id that allows you to donate your credits to the chicks you want to see get boobs. It's pretty awesome and the whole thing is explained right here.


In addition to the unrestricted access to all of the female profiles you can also help the girls by:

• Sending a direct donation for a gal's implant surgery
  
• Purchase message credits that allow you to send messages to the ladies
• Request personal and custom videos from the girls in return
  
• Receive custom pics of your favorite women (before and after!)
  
• Chat 1-on-1 online in real time while getting to know the ladies

On the other hand, I highly recommend what a pair dot com. It's a breast cancer charity that enlists hot celebrities and female singers for the cause. Save the boobs!